He went out to get 3 in a row in the 100 Meter, and all he got was a lousy Silver Medal! Booo! Stay in London, Lurch! You're not welcome back here.
Isn't it funny how we do that? Just like Bad was a letdown because it wasn't bigger than Thriller, just like we know the exact box office results of every movie that comes out, so we can use that to decide not only that Dark Knight, Twilight, Avatar and Titanic weren't extremely overrated movies, but as a reason to decide which one actually deserves to be considered the GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME!
So I'm starting something. From now on, when someone does something that's completely amazing but doesn't measure up to unbelievably lofty odds, I'm calling that PHELPS PHAILURE. Try to make it catch on, Excitable Foreigners.
Rhetorical question placed by the commentator after the Russian girls faltered: "Could you go for a knock-out punch if your opponent was sobbing?" And with that, Gabby The Flying Squirrel pranced out there and pop/locked her way into the hearts of people the world over, followed by Jordyn Wieber, who quit screwing up for long enough to flawlessly perform a series of somersaults and gypsy dance moves, leaving to coup de gras to Aly Raisman, who followed through to destroy the dreams of the Russians forever. Aly's the best, because her parents always freak out.
Notice too in that clip that the tune they're playing is Paint It Black, by the Rolling Stones. "I see the girls walk by, dressed in their Summer clothes/I have to turn my head until my darkness goes." OK. I guess that's appropriate enough.
Hey, Gold Medals for everybody! Except the Russians. They get Silver, and buckets upon buckets of tears and anguish.
Oh, but look!
US WINS THE RELAY!
I ALWAYS SUPPORTED HIM AND KNEW HE COULD DO IT!!!
But that wasn't really just him, though. Lochte is also on that team, and they gave him a pretty big lead, so...