FRONT ON THIS OLYMPICS COVERAGE: Phelps Phailure

FOT Olympics Coverage is brought to you by an empty McDonald's bag



He went out to get 3 in a row in the 100 Meter, and all he got was a lousy Silver Medal! Booo! Stay in London, Lurch! You're not welcome back here.

Isn't it funny how we do that? Just like Bad was a letdown because it wasn't bigger than Thriller, just like we know the exact box office results of every movie that comes out, so we can use that to decide not only that Dark Knight, Twilight, Avatar and Titanic weren't extremely overrated movies, but as a reason to decide which one actually deserves to be considered the GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME!

So I'm starting something. From now on, when someone does something that's completely amazing but doesn't measure up to unbelievably lofty odds, I'm calling that PHELPS PHAILURE. Try to make it catch on, Excitable Foreigners.



Rhetorical question placed by the commentator after the Russian girls faltered: "Could you go for a knock-out punch if your opponent was sobbing?" And with that, Gabby The Flying Squirrel pranced out there and pop/locked her way into the hearts of people the world over, followed by Jordyn Wieber, who quit screwing up for long enough to flawlessly perform a series of somersaults and gypsy dance moves, leaving to coup de gras to Aly Raisman, who followed through to destroy the dreams of the Russians forever. Aly's the best, because her parents always freak out.

Notice too in that clip that the tune they're playing is Paint It Black, by the Rolling Stones. "I see the girls walk by, dressed in their Summer clothes/I have to turn my head until my darkness goes." OK. I guess that's appropriate enough.

Hey, Gold Medals for everybody! Except the Russians. They get Silver, and buckets upon buckets of tears and anguish.

Oh, but look!

US WINS THE RELAY!

US WINS!!

PHELPS WINS!!!

19 MEDALS!!!

USA!!

USA!!

USA!!

I ALWAYS SUPPORTED HIM AND KNEW HE COULD DO IT!!!

WHOOOOOO!!!!


But that wasn't really just him, though. Lochte is also on that team, and they gave him a pretty big lead, so...

FRONT ON THIS OLYMPICS COVERAGE: Avoiding Spoilers

FOT Olympics Coverage has been brought to you by the International trailer for Skyfall:

And the somewhat different US trailer for Skyfall:

So a couple of hours ago, Michael Phelps swam for a medal and the US team swam another relay race, a contest that involved both Phelps and Lochte. Missy Franklin also went at it. Did they win? What did they win? Did they lose? Was there contention?

Unfortunately, none of these questions are nearly as pressing as whether or not NBC can manage to avoid spoiling it before they air it. Let's see what happens.

6:39 PM UPDATE:
Turned the sound off the NBC nightly news and looking away from the screen until they're done talking about the Olympics. Brian Williams gave me a very short warning by saying "We don't want to spoil the show, but after the huge headlines around the world..." by which time I had thrown all the junk mail aside that my remote was buried under quickly enough to hit MUTE.

FRONT ON THIS OLYMPICS COVERAGE: NBC Spoiled Missy Frankin's Race Seconds Before It Aired

Seriously?

Seriously.

I avoided spoilers all day so that they could tell me in a commercial right before they show the race that she won the Gold?

C'mon. C'mon, guys.

FRONT ON THIS OLYMPICS COVERAGE: Synchronized Diving

FOT Olympics Coverage is brought to you by the trailer for the trailer to Skyfall. It's gonna rule.

I wonder what it's like to hang out with Synchronized Divers? Do they talk about things besides Synchronized Diving? I bet it gets boring as hell. When the cameras show us Greg Louganis in a yellow Ed Hardy shirt up in the stands during the diving, he's talking to the dude with him. He could only be talking about diving. I bet he talks about his workout regiment, whether he likes lifts or stretches, his special diet of protein and foliage, his special speedos, the color of them, the way they fit, the best place to go to the tanning bed, the best kind of tanning bed, if he likes twisting or spinning better. I bet Greg Louganis never shuts the fuck up about goddamn motherfucking diving off a board. It's been 20 fucking years, and still, it's all about the diving board.


And there's only one of him. I bet you get a team of two of them, they just talk to each other about Synchronized Diving, so that makes them think everybody cares about Synchronized Diving as much as they do. Guess what? They don't. That's why they show it first. Everybody wants to see if Missy Franklin won or if we should stop caring about her before we even see her dance moves on Leno in 2 weeks. We want to see Lochte continue to steal that Phelps Phunder, and say something gangsta about that mutant girl who outswam his ass. but you can't cut straight to that. You've got to pad the show. I bet if you're at a party and Brad the Synchronized Swimmer is there, you're like "Oh, thank God, at least Tony isn't here, because you get them together, they won't shut up about Synchronized Fucking Diving." Then someone says "Oh yeah, Tony's coming, he was just getting a pedicure so his toes look pretty for the big dive tomorrow" and you say "Oh, fuck, I already got high. I can't drive yet." Then, you spend the rest of the night hearing about Synchronized Diving.

FRONT ON THIS OLYMPICS COVERAGE: Ryan Lochte Beat By A Little Girl

Hey, get a load of Ye Shiwen.

She just beat Ryan Lochte's time and nailed a world record to win gold in a race NBC aired at about 2 PM on Monday. She's 16, Chinese, has a poor turnaround (which I know because the commentator said so), and has perhaps been chemically altered in some way. If she hasn't already peed in a cup, I predict she shall be required to soon. "I used up all my pee in the pool, you'll have to wait" a source told me she said. I cannot reveal my source. He goes by the alias "The Wee Yellow Whizzer." My personal belief is that ingesting chemicals is bad and you shouldn't do it.

This FOT Olympics Coverage update has been brought to you by Dow Chemical.

FRONT ON THIS OLYMPICS COVERAGE: Pentathlon!

FOT Olympics Coverage is brought to you by Brazilian Volleyball Team AssPENTATHLON!

Yeah, man. You've got to be a real badass if you're going to pull this off. The new features for this year's go around include riding a horse the athlete has never riden before, and combining shooting with the runnning. And instead of pellet guns?

Lasers.

You must outrun your enemies on land and water, you must battle them with swords and guns, you must tame a wild beast!

And I'm sure you're asking, fellow Americans, why we never hear about this. It's clearly the best sport possible. This is like being a Navy Seal for sport! You have to be incredible to do it. In fact, a lot of our military people get into it, like Mickey, here.

Well, because we don't win it very often.

Maybe this year!

USA!
USA!
USA!

FRONT ON THIS OLYMPICS COVERAGE: Swimming Dudes and Chicks

Today's FOT Olympic Coverage is brought to you by Old Spice Gel Douche.

Old Spice Gel Douche was created in a laboratory for you to use in your lavatory. It keeps all of your extremities fresh and effervescent, with just a hint of a weird chemical smell, which comes as a result of the fact that it is made from weird chemicals.

How do they make soap, anyway?

Speaking of Olympic Douches, remember Alain Bernard? He was the Frenchman who claimed that he and his team would crush America in the swim relay at Beijing and then lost in a scene that would've been considered too unrealistic to be included in a fictional movie about swimming when America's Jason Lezak won the race for us by a tiny fraction of a second.

Well, Bernard didn't make it on the team this year, but the French are still menacing us in the pool. Don't think that sentence wasn't painful to type. That's right, the French beat America in the relay this time out. Screw you, France. It's not over yet.


Bring on the chicks!

That's 17 year old swimmer Missy Franklin showing off her (in)famous dance skills. Although no video seems to exist (I scoured youtube like any journalist of my stature would), she's become well known for her groove.

So well known, in fact, that you might not have even heard that the somewhat less photogenic Dana Vollmer not only just won gold, but beat a world record.

I'm not even going to post a picture of her.

Oh...OK.

Wow. Scratch what I said about "less photogenic."

But on second thought...

FRONT ON THIS OLYMPICS COVERAGE: Meet Our Beach Volleyball Teams

This is Misty May Treanor and Kerri Walsh.

This is Jen Kessy and April Ross.

FRONT ON THIS OLYMPICS COVERAGE: The Hidden Contention

Michael Phelps swears he doesn't, but somewhere inside of him, he has to hate Ryan Lochte. As gracious as both men are, every so often you catch a glimpse of a glare, a stray loaded word in an interview. Lochte's getting the commercials. AT&T, shaving razors. He hot dogs on motor bikes and skateboards, which worries the coaches, gives him some Rock & Roll cache. Works out by throwing a huge truck tire around like he's Clubber Lang or something. Phelps is like able enough, but he's not particularly charismatic. By comparison, Ryan Lochte is a rebellious badass. Or at least, he can be sold as one. He just won the gold in the 400, almost beat Phelps' record. Phelps didn't place, for the first time since 2000. Lochte's response: "I knew I could." Phelps: "It was a crappy race."

Phelps faced down the ultimate comedown after Beijing. Has he lost the eye of the tiger? Was he prepared for this? Could anyone be? Adversity is introducing Michael Phelps to himself right about now. We're all going to see what he's made of.

FRONT ON THIS OLYMPICS COVERAGE: Team America's Grand Entrance

The American Olympic Team make their grand entrance-

They would presumably like to put their best foot forward before the entire planet, but unfortunately they're way too busy fucking with their cellphones to bother to be engaged in what might be the single greatest moment of their lives. Make sure you get that pic of you and Le-Bron on your facebook as soon as possible, kid. God forbid you would leave it to every media outlet in the free world to record the moment for you.

FRONT ON THIS OLYMPICS COVERAGE: Opening Ceremony

The big question was, how could the UK put on a show that would compare to the demonstration of Chinese Empirical Power 4 years ago?

Turns out, they just had to employ wit, charm, and the considerable talent of their chief celebrities. You've got thousands of programmed slaves beating drums in unison? England's got James Bond and Paul McCartney. Not to mention Patsy and Edina. Front On That.

So here we are again, four years on. America's got a recent tragedy fresh on our minds and an ugly Presidential race looming in our future. Now's the time to for some escapism. Let's get weird.

FRONT ON THIS OLYMPICS COVERAGE: What did Janos Baranyai do after he broke his fucking arm off?

Don't watch this if you're too much of a ninny to handle it:

That's Janos Baranyai becoming famous in what's got to be one of the worst ways possible. When stuff like this happens, it makes me feel a lot better about my largely sedentary lifestyle. I've never once been in danger of having my arm fall off while typing.

But hey, look at this:

He's fine now. Like it never happened, right? Two years later he won 15th place at the 2010 Weightlifting Championship in Antalya, wherever the hell that is.

And yes, he is going to London.

Should be good.

Maria Bamford

There was yet another great guest star on Louie, like the previous one. The viewing public was formally introduced to Maria Bamford. You may feel like you've seen her before, but you might never guess where, so I'll kill the suspense. She plays the unhinged Black Friday obsessed supershopper every Christmas season in those Target ads you're mildly shocked that they allow on the air. Christmas in July!





So skilled is she at the creation of colorful characters that one has to question- who is the true Maria Bamford?

Darwyn Cooke Pays Homage To Steranko

A new piece of work from Darwyn Cooke is always an event. That's particularly the case when it's time for the latest installment in the Parker series, in which he's adapting the work of Richard Stark in high style. This was especially true this time out. The book stars Jim Steranko himself as Pop Phillips:



In a novel move, each of the new characters involved in the heist (there's always a heist) were modeled after comic creators. In fact, one of the others was none other than Phil Noto. Pretty neat.

The book is fantastic, as are the other two in the series so far. If you're a fan of crime, comics, or even just quality storytelling, you owe it to yourself to check them out.

FRONT ON THIS OLYMPICS COVERAGE: Cuba vs. Everybody Else

From 8/22/08:


The most awesome thing that happened today: a Kung-Fu Cuban took too much recovery time in the middle of a round and got the DQ. He then reacted by kicking the ref square in the face. Tear it up! He's now been banned for life and will now forever be that guy who kicked the ref in the in the face. Good job, Castro.



The actions of Angel Valodia Matos resulted in the head of the World Taekwondo Federation (WTF, draw your own conclusions) issuing a harsh statement. "It was an insult to the Olympic vision, to the spirit of taekwondo and for me, an insult to mankind." Which, you know, maybe the first two.

Castro, on the other hand, thought it was awesome. "They (Referring to the entire rest of the world) had tried to buy his own coach," Castro wrote in his essay, published in state media. "He could not contain himself (next time somebody does something I don't like, I'll knock their teeth out and then say I was just too excited to cope). I saw when the judges blatantly stole fights from two Cuban boxers in the semi-finals," Castro wrote. "Our fighters had hopes of winning, despite the judges, but it was useless. They were condemned beforehand." Yeah, everybody is always out to get you, aren't they, Castro? It's always about Castro.

Funky Fidel vowed to build an athletic strikeforce for this year designed to destroy "European chauvinism, judge corruption, buying of brawn and brains...and a strong dose of racism." Does it bother anyone else that JFK got his brains blown out and Reagan died of old age, but that dickweed is still down there?

Alan Havey and Night After Night

If you saw this week's episode of Louis CK's astounding and hilarious FX series Louie, you saw Alan Havey in action. You might have seen him somewhere before, you might not have, but if he was taking up any room in the back of your head it was probably because of his 90's late night talk show on the Comedy Channel. Comedy Channel was what became Comedy Central, but in those days it was centered almost entirely around stand up comedians and, frequently, the process behind how they did their thing. Watching Havey's show now, you see that he was doing stuff that would probably never make it on the air now. Very off the cuff, under the radar, and extemporaneous, it might have been a forerunner of the thing we now call podcasts.

Larry Hama- Real American Hero

Last week I had the pleasure of meeting this guy at The Zone Comic Shop. If the names Duke, Snake Eyes, Baroness, Destro, Storm Shadow, Quick Kick, Roadblock, or Lady Jaye (just to name a few) mean anything to you, that would be because of Larry Hama, the brain behind the characters and comics of the 80s-90s GI Joe. Larry worked at Marvel in those days, and Hasbro tasked them with creating the stories they would use to relaunch GI Joe as a toyline. He would get boxes of these little figures, and it was his job to determine what their names were and what their stories would be, and write them into the comic book. The cartoon came from that later, he's never watched an episode of it.

His comic was rooted more in the real world. Half the characters were Vietnam veterans, and so is he. In spite of the somewhat science fiction aspects of the mythology, the good guys were hard luck heroes, each an expert in a special field that actually exists, many of them based on people he really knew. It might sound silly, but for most of the 80's generation, the first ideas of what it means to be a serviceman and defend the freedom of one's country came from G.I. Joe. Without Larry Hama, it would be a very different story.